My first 3 days without you.
4 May 2009
11 years.
You and I.
For better or worse, in sickness and in health, just not till death will do us apart.
My first baby. My big love.
I’ve been thinking and couldn’t decide when will I feel OK to write this post about you. Well, I was wrong. I’m still not ready. Just thinking about writing it makes me cry.
The last weekend was all about keeping it in, bursting out with tears and keeping it in again. As much as I could. I don’t want to cry because of you. I want to be happy for you. You’re all better now. Without me.
As life turned its direction the other way around of the usual in the last few months (all for the best, I should add), you became lonelier and lonelier. I was no longer around the house to be your friend. I was there to feed you and walk you out, but no more than that. I had to live my life. I had no time to be the world’s best mummy any more. And you never got mad on me. I was expecting you to, but you didn’t. No barking out loud when I left you alone at nights. No barking when you saw me packing, again and again. You just looked at me with your human brown eyes, sad but understanding.
<I really shouldn’t write this post in the office>
At some point a crossroad appeared once again, and for the first time in our ever loving relationship, I had to not think of myself, and to decide what is best for you.
You deserve it all. Love, companion, compassion,friendship, someone to play with, someone to sleep with, someone to BE with. You have never done anything wrong in your 11 and a half years of living with me and on this planet, therefore it’s true, you deserve it all.
My dad and brother took you to my uncle’s on Saturday morning. You were running and playing in his garden and then with his daughters. As they left you there, you were smelling every inch of his house and came to be petted on the head every now and then.
I was crying the whole day. Just like I’m trying not to right now.
I was told on the morning after that you came into my uncle’s bed at night. Just like you did with me. Quietly, gently, and a second later you were under his blanket. No matter how hot it is, you need to be covered every night so you can sleep well.
Exactly like I do.
I miss you, Chipi. With all my heart. So much. Can’t even begin to tell you how much. I hope you’re OK. I know you’re OK. I just hope you’re better than before.
I love you.
